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Friday, December 7th, 2007

Time:6:36 am.
I love you always!!!!!
always
your wife
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Monday, May 28th, 2007

Time:9:06 pm.
Mood: content.
the most erotic thoughts of a girl extend to the most abundant passions of any one soul in this world. intensely vivid, magically vibrant...emotionally sound. an angel basking in the radiance of joy. supreme and powerful, this creature is suspended in a never- ending cycle of oneness. connection beyond the depth of the word. becoming one thought, one hope, one dream..one love. to engage the wonder of reality, take it in, and experience it's beauty. grasp every moment and carry it close. find the art in an ugly wound. teach understanding through the peace of your own mind. cling tightly to the love that has entangled itself in your heart.
ahhh...to be my passion.
leaf

ps i asked my GRANDmother once why i couldn't spell...and she said that's what editors are for...so thank you spell check :)
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Wednesday, April 18th, 2007

Time:12:20 am.
it's been a long time since i posted...and for good reason. the last few months have been incredibly difficult. we are losing her dog. i love that dog so much and i don't know how else to reach out at this point. i am only the step mother after all....but i am the one who has loved her these past years. i want y wife to know that i am here and strong...and with all that is happening...by her side.

i love annie so much and i love kristen equal but different.
annie will always be in my heart
alehta
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Wednesday, January 25th, 2006

Subject:okay
Time:3:11 am.
Mood: touched.
i have come into a place in my head where i completely understand my relationship with my wife. she needs as much as i do...she worries as much as i do...she is restless as much as i am restless. i don't know if that is the underlying reason that i want to move out of this state so badly. she is truly the love of my life and if she stayed i would stay. i just want to experience us outside of our families.
i just had a moment...i am not a family person. don't get me wrong, i love my family with all of my heart. BUT they have ignored me all of my life. so i don't feel the obligation of giving them my time.
wow- that was a big moment. i want to live my life and let them live there's. it is very evident to me that they are just fine without me. so who's to say i am not just fine without them. i want to be a good daughter, but i think i need good parents to show me the way.
not at 25 but at 6.
so what do they expect.
i think that's why i have such a hard time with kristen's family and their control over the way she feels.
she is such a strong woman yet i have seen the little girl come out every time anyone in her family is around.
i guess we all have one relationship with our parents. the personality they EXPECT or the personality that we REVOLT AGAINST! that's our choice i suppose. if i look at society though they obviously want the personality they EXPECT.
ah well, say la vie
peace
leaf
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Monday, January 9th, 2006

Subject:oh my
Time:3:13 pm.
Mood: productive.
so i went into work today and was informed the director of operations is going to be at the service meeting i'm putting on this saturday. typically i would be excited except we've had a run of upset customers over the past month. we get corporate calls and they relay them to us. needless to say people are more apt to call about being upset then they are about what a great time they had. so now i'm under the microscope...we all have been for these first months. i can't believe i thought i could take on a new store opening being a brand new manager for this company. i'm frustrated...i feel like i have been set up for failure and i let myself scum to the trials put in front of me. i came into this job expecting success. i still expect success and yet right now i don't know how to achieve that. i can't lose this job. well i can but i don't want to. i've put a lot of heart into the people i work with and the job that i do. it feels like no matter how much i love it i might just not be capable of doing it.

okay, enough of the pity party. i'm a smart woman and i will find the way to succeed in this company. i just have to use my resources to analyze what i'm doing wrong.

i have to find the balance in the force:) between my wife and family and my job. i was raised a work aholoic and now i have someone in my life who keeps me informed when i go into that mode. the first thing i thought when i got the news was that i needed to go in early. no, i just need to come up with an action plan that will save my job and my pride.

so, off to the drawing board

peace
lethaclare
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Saturday, December 31st, 2005

Subject:new year's eve
Time:9:10 pm.
Mood: determined.
so it's the last night of 2005. what to do with myself? i wonder so often how the contest of this or that effects the fact that we are all going through the process of foreseeing a brand new year. i for one see only the contrast of a new year resolution and the actual want to change ones lifestyle. how can we promise every year to change the person that we have become. that's a lifetime resolution....not a new year's resolution. imagine the concept behind a whole new year. i get distracted and yet i still feel the meaning of the actual day at hand. god love the innocent...too bad i'm no longer innocent. how can the pious christian preach to the rest of the land about the holiness of god when god is the being that sends the majority of the world to "HELL". is hell the want of holy beings or is it the threat to bring the world together. i personally feel that hell is earth. being sent back is our souls dealing with hell. you know the older souls know more and instruct the younger....and the younger are politicians.



peace
letha
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Friday, December 23rd, 2005

Subject:almost to vacation
Time:9:38 pm.
so i have one more shift until 9 days off. everyone keeps asking where i'm going. i simply say to the couch. love that.

rock on to being relaxed for once in a year and a half for longer than a day.

leaf
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Subject:my love
Time:3:42 am.
Mood: loved.
this is to the love my life. the woman that i cherish.
i have created this place so far away from myself. i have developed this habit of taking everything out on those i love most. i am over it. i find myself sitting in the dark just trying to understand the magnitude of it all and yet there is this amazing soul right in front of me. she is sleeping and i am watching. my breath is short because of her beauty and undeniable truth. she is mine and i hers and i finally understand the true magnitude of our union. she will not leave me and i will not leave her. i see our future panning out in front of us and i know that we will get to the porch swing we've talked about so often. she is my best friend, my lover, and my wife. how could i ever hurt her and yet i do. we all hurt the ones we love....we all do. but we hurt with them. i refuse to let her FEEL my pain....hear it, yes, but feel it NO. she deserves better, she deserves the woman she fell in love with.
she is in there somewhere and i will write until i find here....forever loving my beautiful wife
me
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Wednesday, December 21st, 2005

Time:1:27 pm.
Mood: thoughtful.
so i feel as if the world can't relate. i'm sure that's a feeling not a fact but the emotion is the same. how do i react to the world as a whole. how do i consider those that could care less about me. what stupid fucking expectations are going to be thrown at me next. (and they wonder why i drink...:) swaying too and fro in my day to day i get lost in the journey that i embarked on. soul searching is hard work when you get no results after so long. my head swirls in the what if and i find myself missing the actual. tremendous is the ability of the unconscious. i should know my entire family has been unconscious my whole life...well up until a year or so ago. now they're all on this get in touch with the inner child shit. it was a lot more fun in denial. it seems the only thing that really comes with recognition is the pain of being recognized. i look at myself and how many times i've moved. planting roots and then uprooting because things get too close. i am tired of running...but running is what i feel like doing. if i just disappeared would anyone notice. i've turned into this person i don't like. i think it's called my dad. resentful and controlling. i refuse to be that way. i wish sometimes i could be resourceful enough to live in the mountains without the fear or need for all the other fuckers that run this world. yet as scared as i am half the time hidings not my style (maybe running but not hiding). so i refuse to do either. i will stand my ground and for once feel that the ground is actually under my feet. love yourself and those around you because all are precious

leaf
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Saturday, September 11th, 2004

Subject:finally
Time:1:31 pm.
Mood: calm.
i have come to so many different realizations over the past week. i am struggeling and learning as i go. i understand myself so much more now. it's amazing how the neglect of those that love you can lead to a place of such denial. the fact is i learned self neglect at an early age and i'm learning not to blame my father now. i haven't talked to him in a month and i truely don't know when i will again. i still hold so much anger towards his lack of attention. i feel as if i have moved beyond the realm of truth and there's no turning back. i have found this awareness and i just want to be in denial for two more weeks. it's crazy how once you see something you can't not know it. i have learned more than i ever cared to...and i have also learned more than i thought i would. i remember not only the bad but the good as well. my entire life i have never had memories of my younger years...it was all blank. i started having sensations when i was twenty about my past...and i knew it was true. i couldn't help but see the meaning of the nightmares and the creepy feeling that would take me over when i woke up. i have explored the details and with the nastiness i also found the beauty. i remember my mom dancing with my sister and i in the living room. i would never have that had i not gone through the hell of reliving what i worked my whole life to forget. the defenses that our minds conjure is remarkable. embracing triggers and seeing the changes in myself allows me to truely "be my own therapist". which when i started seeing jen was the goal. i am confident in my ability to hear myself. i am so proud that i have come so far. this journey has tested the lengths of my soul. my spirit has flourished because my soul could weep. releasing the energy of my anger and saddness created this part of myself i never saw. i am free in my mind and spirit. thank you God for the blessings of my lifetime. you have given me the ability to love and be loved. my family has created a support system that will never waver. i am to be myself for the rest of the time on this earth.

chelsea...i want you to know that i am proud of you. if you are truely helping yourself...rock on. i know you have all these issues with my spelling, but the fact is you're bitter that k didn't come back and beg you to forgive her for something she didn't do. no matter what you think we respected you...both of us. we never crossed a line until you made it final. i won't deny i already wanted her...but i have more respect than that. i am too honest for that. i told my family within a week of us being together because i am proud to have her. she is amazing and no matter how she was in your time together...she has grown too much to deal with the manipulation of a self hating soul. you feed each other that i think. (i say i think because i don't know shit). i simply want you to know that you are so afraid of this world. love God and yourself because you are made in His image. i will pray for your awakening into the reality of this world. the good and the bad. you have to know though that i am here. k and i are here. she is mine and you lost the chance to fight for her...so stop.
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Tuesday, August 31st, 2004

Subject:what's up
Time:10:21 pm.
what's up people. i am new to this whole journal thing and i am amused. my night was okay and being pulled over sucks....peace and love
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Subject:random
Time:12:21 am.
In the reality of the rasions of the soul. In the masks of the fertile ground in which i walk. the maska of the pasts haunt the beauty of the day. God has granted me the blessings and the grace tranquil and serene. I feel that the contrast of my inner sanctum and the feelings that stretch more than can be known. I understand finally the the tranquility of the moment. I am serene in the thoughts of a numb and calm moment. i miss my dog. i miss the sober in myself. i am here in the moment and i am grateful
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Monday, August 30th, 2004

Subject:random
Time:8:57 am.
random thoughts run through my head and i find myself lost in the whirlwind. the anomosity i hold towards myself pelting me at every turn. in the midst of the anger and frustration of temptation i am free to choose my path. the will that is allowed to manifest in us all drags me to and fro. i find solice in the realization that life consists of choices. each decision effecting the next....but there will always be a next. in the uniform society of right and wrong we try so hard to be normal. and yet the who are we comparing oursleves to? who is the standard? in a community of diversity we look down upon our neighbors as if it's our place to judge. the judgement we project onto others only represents our own inner striff. i struggle everyday not to put myself down and yet the reality comes in waves. there's nothing that can be done for the self-concious soul...unless they can truely be concious of themselves. i yearn to share this awakening and yet the fear settles in. of course there will be eyes watching...waiting to tear me to shreds...but ther will also be a little girl who might hang onto her life for a little while longer. to help those who feel helpless know that it is natural. to let them know helpless is the hardest emotion to feel. the anger that follows leads to the distruction of our youth. that defense is taking our society into a spiral. we are afraid to be hopeless.....i'm afraid we are. the faith that i carry only brings me peace...and i pray that indvidually our youth can grasp that same security.
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Tuesday, August 24th, 2004

Subject:blue bird
Time:9:36 am.
i have this blue bird on my shoulder every morning. i can't help but love waking up. i get to start a new day and the sun is almost always out. most people laugh and cringe when they see me chipper....but fuck it. not only that but the love of my life lays next to me and i am gitty. i find myself staring at her in the morning as i first open my eyes...and i smile the rest of the day. what an amazing creature. women truely are enthralling and deep and intimate. well, at least mine is. i personally can't imagine not talking to her throughout my day. love is awesome like that. the reality is beautiful too. man is she flippin sexy!!!!! luv..luv...luv...luv...luv........peace
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Saturday, August 21st, 2004

Subject:bi-polar
Time:1:10 am.
i find my mood swings entanglign my mind into the craziest of thoughts. the imaginations of my soul interact slowly wiht the workings of my mind. fear carries my heart into a realm of confusion and extremes. i hate that the only balance i have consists of the comfort of the people in my life. i feed so much off the energy around me it's hard to decipher what is my own. in the midst of the courage and pride i've found the judgement that follows leaves me shattered on the floor of my imagination. how to overcome the stresses of unhappiness? and clinge to the wonder of pure bliss? the amazement stems from the encouragement of the under tone of my life. the current that God has placed deep within my core and allowed me to feel. only in this grace do i find the relaxation i long for and only in my heart does that place lay. i find the ultimate satisfaction in knowing that the understanding of family is there. that the understanding of self is there. i am enthralled at how quickly i move in this world and how quickly in turn the world moves around me. help me ride the tide--help me relaz into myself---help me just BE! leaf
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LiveJournal for aletha.

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