aletha (areefa) wrote,

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i have come to so many different realizations over the past week. i am struggeling and learning as i go. i understand myself so much more now. it's amazing how the neglect of those that love you can lead to a place of such denial. the fact is i learned self neglect at an early age and i'm learning not to blame my father now. i haven't talked to him in a month and i truely don't know when i will again. i still hold so much anger towards his lack of attention. i feel as if i have moved beyond the realm of truth and there's no turning back. i have found this awareness and i just want to be in denial for two more weeks. it's crazy how once you see something you can't not know it. i have learned more than i ever cared to...and i have also learned more than i thought i would. i remember not only the bad but the good as well. my entire life i have never had memories of my younger was all blank. i started having sensations when i was twenty about my past...and i knew it was true. i couldn't help but see the meaning of the nightmares and the creepy feeling that would take me over when i woke up. i have explored the details and with the nastiness i also found the beauty. i remember my mom dancing with my sister and i in the living room. i would never have that had i not gone through the hell of reliving what i worked my whole life to forget. the defenses that our minds conjure is remarkable. embracing triggers and seeing the changes in myself allows me to truely "be my own therapist". which when i started seeing jen was the goal. i am confident in my ability to hear myself. i am so proud that i have come so far. this journey has tested the lengths of my soul. my spirit has flourished because my soul could weep. releasing the energy of my anger and saddness created this part of myself i never saw. i am free in my mind and spirit. thank you God for the blessings of my lifetime. you have given me the ability to love and be loved. my family has created a support system that will never waver. i am to be myself for the rest of the time on this earth.

chelsea...i want you to know that i am proud of you. if you are truely helping yourself...rock on. i know you have all these issues with my spelling, but the fact is you're bitter that k didn't come back and beg you to forgive her for something she didn't do. no matter what you think we respected you...both of us. we never crossed a line until you made it final. i won't deny i already wanted her...but i have more respect than that. i am too honest for that. i told my family within a week of us being together because i am proud to have her. she is amazing and no matter how she was in your time together...she has grown too much to deal with the manipulation of a self hating soul. you feed each other that i think. (i say i think because i don't know shit). i simply want you to know that you are so afraid of this world. love God and yourself because you are made in His image. i will pray for your awakening into the reality of this world. the good and the bad. you have to know though that i am here. k and i are here. she is mine and you lost the chance to fight for stop.
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